Fifty Shades Darker: le Black Hole

It happened again.

Sometimes, bad things happen for no reason.

And that’s how we got this movie.

I was feeling adventurous, somewhat, and I decided to see this movie alone. And of course, sometimes we make decisions we regret later. Or, 5 minutes into the movie kind of later.

So Anastasia, who in the last movie decided to leave Christian due to his…lovemaking preferences, started a new job and avoided Christian whenever she could. Her new boss showed interest in her, because that’s what happens when you’re pretty and your boss is single.

Then, she went to her friend’s photography exhibition and went “OH NO” when she realized that some of the photos displayed were of her. Of course, conveniently, right there and then, she was informed that someone JUST purchased all of her portraits.

Ana turned around and saw Christian the creep. Gah, that guy is so creepy.

After he begged her for like two seconds to have dinner with him, Ana gave in and left with the creepy ex. Few steps out of the exhibition and they were already making out. Whoa, slow down there, raging hormones! I know this movie was just porn with horrible plot, but for some unknown reason, a tiny part of me kept hoping that something good existed there.

Let’s stay disappointed, shall we?

Let’s make this short. Because Ana was so scarred by what Christian had done to her in the first movie and she was so adamant about not wanting to get back together… she took him back. In like five minutes.

What was the whole break up for?!

However, things went from ugly to uglier when a stalker showed up in Ana’s life. The stalker was so scary that you could take her out of the story and nothing would change. And Christian’s first lover/abuser entered the picture and made Ana upset. Those two women made her question her decision on being with Christian.

Basically, instead of the physical pain, emotional struggle is what we got from this plot’s biggest conflict. And again, you could take it out and no one would have noticed.

Then obviously, Christian swore that things would be different and asked Ana to marry him. She said yes.

Unfortunately, on his birthday, Christian got into an accident which made everyone go “Christian, don’t leave me!” before he showed up a minute later.

Oh, and we got fireworks to end the movie with.

Yay.

THERE IS NO LONG TERM CONFLICT. This movie solves every single conflict within minutes, if not seconds. Nobody suffers for long.

And I really wanted them to suffer. I don’t think I’d even mind if the whole movie had been about them suffering. Crying, screaming at each other, murdering each other… anything with real emotions?

Well, I finished the movie. And I made it out of this alive. I still wonder why I did what I did, but there’s no going back now.

This movie was crap. Although I did laugh a lot.

It is fifty shades darker than the first one. Also fifty points lower.

3/10. That’s the most generous I’ve ever been. Please don’t watch this movie. If you did, well, I’m happy you’re still sane. If you’re going to, well, at least bring some snacks or something. Keep yourself distracted. Text a friend.

 

 

 

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