One You Can’t Have

There’s always the one you can’t have. The one who is too far, too occupied, already taken, dying, or not interested in you. There’s always that one person who will ultimately break your heart.

And you know if only the gods were on your side, some things could have worked. Some miracles would have been enough. If only.

If only you were given a chance. If only some things had backed up and supported you.

And if only in the next life, things could be easier.

It’s the one who’s perfect. The one who understands and sees you the way you want to be seen. The one who remembers the details of yourself others would forget.

The one who doesn’t find your quirkiness too much. There’s always that one. And he will see you in the way you wish to be seen by the world, but not see you in the way you wish to be seen by him.

And no matter how far away you are, no matter how busy you are, and no matter how long ago you last saw him, you’ll always remember.

You’ll walk into a bookstore and spot a book you know both of you would enjoy. And you stop for awhile, sigh deeply, and smile. Or you’ll look at a beautiful painting and think, “Well, I know someone who’d appreciate it.”

And that bittersweet feeling lingers. That doesn’t end. Five years ago I met someone, felt my heart skip a beat, and was reminded right away that I shouldn’t have such feelings for him.

Even when I dated other people I kept thinking, “If only…” and quickly shut it down. Because I knew my place. I knew that there were always people you can’t have.

Yet five years later, I still remember.

It’s truly a laughing stock. And I laugh at how silly and pathetic I seem to be sometimes. I let others laugh at me.

I still tell myself to stop thinking, to stop remembering, but “if only” visits me every now and then like an uninvited ghost.

And I doubt the random visits will stop anytime soon, or ever.

Sometimes I wish there’s more to the person we can’t have. The one person we watch from far and hold close to our hearts. The one person we wish we could’ve made happy, but we know it’s not our place. Sometimes I wish there’s more to this story, and that someone might actually get a happy ending.

Perhaps not me, but if someone else does, it’ll make me happy.

And perhaps those with beautifully crafted love stories are those who had wished for happy ending in their previous life times. Perhaps they had waited so long that they finally got their well deserved ending.

And perhaps those like you and me will have such ending one day with the ones we cannot have right now.

It’s a comforting thought to have, although by the end of the day we know we’ll end up with another “if only” song playing in our heads.

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