1. Set someone up with a “hottie” or “this amazing person I know you’ll like.”
Unless we ask you to, please don’t. I hate, hate, hate it when people go, “There’s this guy. I know you two will hit it off” after I tell them repeatedly that I am not interested. If you decide to set me up on a date with some strange dude, I’ll send him back to your apartment with blue eye and some brain damage.
When it happens, it happens, y’all. I’m not the type who likes this kind of thing. I’m a spiritual, fairy tale loving, fantasy gazing type of girl. I don’t want my Prince Charming to have a tag “set up with thee by our common friend, Beetch.”
And I know a lot of people don’t like this. Unless! We ask you directly, “Please if you know someone interesting, let me know.” Then that’s your green light.
2. Clean someone’s room.
If your name isn’t “mom,” you have no right. Bedroom is personal. And private. Whatever is in a bedroom belongs to the owner.
You might find love letters and stupid poems, or even worse: a diary.
And nobody wants that. You don’t want to know what your friend did during prom and who your friend did. You don’t want to be yelled at too when your friend finds out.
3. Order someone’s food.
I’d let my sister order my McD meal. She knows my habits and what I eat. But other people? No thank you.
Food is important. I’ve been vegetarian for almost forever, and sometimes people didn’t ask and just got me meat.
Ahah. Meat. How neat.
Thank you. Never again.
4. Order drinks.
If I told you I needed a drink, and I meant alcohol, please go ahead and order one. But if I didn’t, please don’t. I might have deadlines tomorrow morning and I have to finish stuff when I got home.
And if I drank it out of gratitude and courtesy, stop ordering. Unless I asked. Specifically, for more.
5. Answer calls on cellphones.
Ever had that one friend who’d flip open your phone when it rang and answered it? Only to find out that it was your jealous partner who had called?
It could even be worse: it could be your mom. Or your dad who had been wondering where the hell you’d been for the past few weeks. Or your siblings. Or the worst: your boss.
Please don’t. Even if that phone is ringing the hell out of its system. Please don’t answer someone else’s phone. It’s just not helping when it’s supposed to be a private or professional call.
Don’t answer either unless you know the person, if it’s a common friend. Like, answer one when it’s a detailed, full name like “Claire with the smelly cat” because there’s probably only one Claire with a really smelly cat. Don’t answer to just “Claire” because it might be the one with a dog instead.
6. Arrange a party.
Where’s the money from? Are you gonna have all receipts stapled ready for reimbursement?
Please don’t arrange a party for someone unless you’re asked to. You don’t want to surprise someone with a party he or she never wants.
Like, a happy unicorn themed party. Who wants that?
I mean, which adult?