How to be a Good Cheater

In a monogamous relationship and bored? Missing your days of random flings and going with the flow attitude?

I’m not proud. I’ve hurt people who loved me by giving myself a treat. Myself, singular, and it did nothing but stab my partner right in the heart.

But for you who are thinking about it, these are things you should do to save yourself.

1. Find someone who is out of your circle. Like, so far away out that neither your crowd not your partner’s crowd can ever find out.

2. Don’t save the contact. Just make sure you remember the last four digits of the phone number. That must be easy enough.

3. Delete the chat before you leave your phone unattended. Be it for shower, or a five minute sandwich making time in the kitchen. Clear the messages and lock your phone.

4. Disable notifications when you’re not around the phone. So when your boo is right next to your phone, he or she won’t suspect a thing.

5. Don’t say anything stupid. Firstly, text like you’re texting a friend. When you meet face to face, that’s another thing. Make sure when you meet this fling, you tell him or her that: “I’m not a text person.” So your lack of response is excusable, and your platonic messages are forgiven.

6. Make your profile private. Display nothing! Provide nothing! Make sure everything is clean in case this fling is a stalker. Say that you don’t like social media. Or something. So that when the fling adds you on Facebook you can say, “I’m not on Facebook much.”

7. Remember it’s a fling! Don’t spend too much time with this fling and make your boo jealous! Make sure the fling time is the same time as your gym hours or studying hours or something.

8. Don’t get attached. A fling lasts a week or two. Your boo is the one you want in long term.

9. Always make sure your partner feels secure. Just because he isn’t the only one you’re checking out, doesn’t mean he isn’t the only one you love. Love and fling are two different things.

10. Prepare yourself mentally. Some people are brilliant. We can cheat and never get caught. We have established impressive base that reassures our partners that we are the most faithful beings on earth. But it is possible to get caught. It is possible to lose the love of your life over a stupid fling, with probably an idiot who doesn’t know what the word infidelity means. And when we lose our partners then will we truly see what idiots we’ve been.

If you’re in an open relationship, then you don’t have to worry about this. But if you’re bored and you think your partner gives you one free pass of infidelity before he or she walks out, then you might consider these. If you’re in a committed relationship and you’re bored, read and do these things to lose yourself a beautiful future. Go to hell.

Or try to do something fun with your partner. Maybe it’s the spark. Maybe it’s just the activities. Maybe you just need to get out of the house, take a walk under the stars, and remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.

But if you are reading this and truly considering to do these things and hurt the partner who’s committed to you, well, I hope you will get what you deserve.

I certainly did. And if I’d been given the chance to go back and not do any of these, I’d take it in a heartbeat.

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