by Devina Gunawan
How can I not be?
You were the first one to love me without ever asking me to change.
You were the first one to make me believe I was truly beautiful.
And in many ways, you still are that person to me.
We hurt each other. We broke, stabbed, shot each other.
We cried blood while stomping on each other’s heart.
Promises were broken and words of love turned to curses.
I could only promise I never meant to hurt you. But words were just dead echo now.
You left to look after yourself, because with me you were dying.
A million apologies could never bring you back to me.
And with that you took my life away. You murdered me mercilessly.
Your love was the force in my life, and without it you left me to my death.
But the other day you told me, “I always love you,” and I bled.
Not a little, for I dried out.
I felt my senses coming back alive, and my heart beating again.
And we fell back into this deadly cycle of relentless love.
We’re just friends, I’d tell myself, but I could tell it was a lie I kept repeating.
Because my heart knew it had always been more.
You and me, bounded by fate, stuck with each other.
We could lie and say we were no longer in love, but eyes could not lie.
Hearts never lied.
And I could go on dates with the most beautiful people on Earth, only to come back to my phone calling you.
My heart never once fooled me.
It never once fooled you, and even you knew this all along.
You used a powerful, invisible force to always pull me back in.
Because even your heart could tell you the very same thing my heart told me.
And it still does, every single day.
That I am still, undeniably, uncontrollably, and faithfully, in love with you.