by Devina Gunawan
I struggled with anorexia athletica, for about two years. It felt good to know I was fit. That I looked like a poster figure for the running team page.
That I had muscles and barely any fat.
It was my greatest moment in life, still is till today, despite me trying to forget, when a personal trainer measured my fats and he went, “Wow, whatever you do at school must be amazing. You have barely any fats!”
I was a cross country runner.
Then, from then my life involved romance. And romance was never good when your partner was so skinny. So from being fit, I went to being fit and tinny enough to fit into XS outfits.
Luckily, I stopped before it went too far. I was an athlete who ate what normal people would, but worked out 10 times more. I burned more than I consumed. Calories, I mean.
And that was about to ruin my life if I didn’t stop.
So here’s a little peak for you ladies and gentlemen who think anorexia will ever be nice to you.
That isn’t going to happen anytime soon, love, or ever. Anorexia doesn’t think of your well being or your inner organs. It doesn’t consider your health as a part of its master plan to ruin your life.
And I know it’s nice to fit in smaller sized clothes and to have people compliment you on the “awesome transformation.”
But in the end, you only have your damaged body with you and emptiness. It will be an addiction by then, and you won’t be able to stop even though you might want to.
Let me tell you how ‘nice’ anorexia is to you. This is from personal experience.
I have known, very closely, and lived with too, girls who struggle with anorexia. It will creep upon you like an unwanted ex lover who is persistent in texting and telling you, “I still love you.”
These girls, obviously, start looking really thin. Really thin that leggings look baggy. So thin that body fit tank tops look baggy.
It might feel nice at first, then come the health problems.
Hair falling. I don’t know if you’d enjoy losing your hair. I don’t know if you’d enjoy having your hair thinning against your will just because you refuse a meal. Please, eating just enough isn’t going to kill you. Hair is like a crown!
Bloating. Your stomach feels bloated all the time and everything you eat ‘hurts.’ It doesn’t! But your stomach does get sensitive after you deprive it from its proper nutrition and needs. Your body suffers!
Skin problems. One girl has her skin turning pale, but not the usual pale, but yellow-ish pale. Like you can see the difference between someone who eats normal and someone who doesn’t. You can see it from the skin being rough, peeling, and just by the look at it you know it’s deprived from its needs.
Missing fats in areas you probably do not want to be thin. I’m looking at you girls who lose a cup or two in your bra sizes. Happy when a man calls you “manly” without your assets visible enough? This one I experienced personally. I was a runner and a dancer, and at one point during my dance routine with my cousin, he stopped and said, “Wow, you’re like a cardboard. Eat a cake or something, you have no front or back, girl.” To be honest, that statement was the first push for me to reevaluate my habits. I thanked him the other day for saving me. If he hadn’t said that painful statement, I would never realize how bad my lifestyle was.
Structures. I have known some girls who start to hunch. It’s like, “What happened to you?” “Are you ashamed of something?” Because unless you have to hide or make yourself smaller, why would you hunch? Nobody pays you to be a hunchback, and anorexia doesn’t pay you anything – other than letting you fit into clothes you like.
Now, I know it’s nice to expand your closet. It’s nice to be able to stroll in a boutique, knowing that you can wear everything on display. I know it’s nice to never have anyone call you “fat” anymore. And obviously, it’s nice to get the attention from losing weight.
But it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. I personally do not think it’s worth losing yourself.
I do not think it’s worth your hair, your poor stomach, your beautiful skin, and everything else at risk. I don’t think it’s worth your life, your relationship with people who care about you, and the wonderful foods out there.
There are many ways to lose weight, and there are many ways to be fit. There is something called healthy lifestyle, and it doesn’t include starving yourself.
Anorexia doesn’t care if it kills you. Anorexia is a diva who lives on your fears and desires, and she will take away everything that is worth living for from you when you choose her.
And if you have, I beg you to stop.
Because after seeing so many people I love fall under the spell of anorexia, I do not think I want anyone else to not see the danger of this addiction.
If you think anorexia will make you beautiful, you’re wrong.
Beauty is an all rounded thing. It’s inside out, and not just how thin you are.
If you think anorexia will put you in the same group of beautiful women whose metabolism is blessed by good genes of slim figures, then you’re wrong. Those people can eat whatever they want and stay thin because they were born that way, and if you think anorexia puts you in their group it’s not the case. You will feel even smaller because when they can enjoy a good meal, you’re cornering yourself to starvation and sacrifices of your own body.
It is not worth it.
What’s beauty to you? What’s a good lifestyle to you? Would you risk your health to be tiny? Is regular exercise too much that the only option is anorexia?
Ask yourself questions, plenty of them, before you ever decide to free fall holding anorexia. It will drag you down, but it will feel good. You won’t even know that you’re already on your deathbed with anorexia laughing at you.
Think long run. You know if someday you decide to ditch anorexia, chances are, it’ll rebound again and you won’t escape the second time around. Or that when you stop, you won’t be happy because your metabolism will go back to normal and you’ll gain your normal weight again.
Think habits and healthy ones. Think lifestyles and one you can live with without having to sacrifice your happiness and self worth.
Work out. Do fitness. Don’t overdo like I did, but enough for your health. We all need to work out every now and then anyway. With technology and everything our generation has grown lazy, so it’s important that we exercise.
You aren’t going to measure your worth by the size of your dress. You won’t be determining values in your own beauty by the expansion of your closet and the attention from your transformation.
You aren’t going to let anorexia in, and you won’t accept her offer of friendship.
Because for those of you who are in too deep, you know that you have sacrificed a lot and lost so much for anorexia who doesn’t care.
And I trust that you won’t be too lost to let that parasite stay too long in your body. It’s parasite, love, not a friend.