Twilight Breaking Down: on the last movie

by Devina Gunawan

I was aghast few days back when I stumbled upon some stuff I wrote in my diary. However, it brought back some memories that I decided to post it. Forgive me for offending anyone, but here it goes:

So I succeeded in getting two of my closest friends to go watch Breaking Dawn Part 2 with me two weeks ago.

Best. Thing. Ever. Done.

Because honestly, that movie was one of the most entertaining movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I had never laughed that hard in a movie theater, let alone embarrassed my friends that much.

So the story started with Bella and her newborn vampiric abilities. Cheesy.

The special effects were especially terrible. I thought Twilight franchise spent behemoth amount of money on this last movie? Well, I guess I was wrong.

Everyone was captivated. It was so bad that no one left the theater. It was fascinating how bad it was. We could not take our eyes off the screen.

My eyes were bleeding.

Then the baby, Renesmee came into the screen. Many gasps in the theatre.

WHAT AN UGLY BABY! You call THAT a baby? That thing was moving too! I am pretty sure I heard a crowd go “aww”…

And even worse, my glorious Jacob was in love with that? That is not real, my love, she ain’t real!

You have got to be kidding me.

I turned to Daniella and asked her, “What on earth am I watching?”

She laughed, turned to me, and said, “It will get better, I promise.”

Well, that was one broken promise.

But, I assure you, it was all worth every penny I spent on that night.

The storyline was insanely boring. I wasn’t falling asleep, and I felt entertained whenever I turned to look at my other friend (whose name shall never be revealed due to the great shame of watching Breaking Dawn Part 2) who looked like he was about to die.

That movie suffocated him.

Well, it did a good job in tormenting me too. I was mentally challenged most of the time.

I was thinking of leaving the theatre. It was getting ridiculous.

But, Jacob started taking his clothes off and I decided to stay. Or more like, I couldn’t go anywhere when my eyes were literally glued to his abs.

Of course after that, things went south again. It was a continuous torture.

I don’t know what the directors were thinking of when they worked on this. What is this supposed to be?

Where did all that budget go? To Kristen Stewart’s terrible acting? Rob’s weird hair?

I would pay for Lautner’s abs, but that’s about it.

The baby didn’t work the magic either. It scared the heck out of me.

Daniella was busy making sure that some characters were not Jesus and Pocahontas. There were vampires joining the Cullens and she started shouting, “Pocahontas! Jesus!” when the Pocahontas and (God, I do not know how) Jesus look-a-likes came onto screen.

At that point, I am not sure who was more embarrassing, it was just between her and me in that theatre. I felt bad for our guy friend already. Miraculously, none of us got kicked out.

And the movie just went back to being boring after awhile.

But then. The best thing showed up.

Aro.

Goodness gracious doesn’t that man have the weirdest face ever? He looked like a hamster!

And his facial expressions! And the close ups! And his voice!

I lost my mind. I started laughing. Hysterically. Shamelessly. Whenever his face was on the screen.

And of course, before I knew it, the best thing in the movie began.

The vampires and werewolves started fighting against the funny looking, older, weirder looking vampires. Now that was epic. It was so good that everyone started cheering.

I swear, Twilight spent at least 50% of its budget on that long battle scene, and decided to screw everything else up. Because the inconsistency of the quality amused me and everyone else in the theater. Or maybe it was just me and my friends.

It sure was worth it.

I laughed. So hard. I cheered. Like a maniac. I started clapping. Like it was the best thing I’d ever seen.

Maybe it was.

And then, the ending murdered me.

It was a flashback of Bella-Edward moments since Twilight’s reign over the tainted world of impossible romance began. It was. Actually, I had nothing to say to that.

But the girls in the theatre did. They were crying and expressing their love for the on-screen couple.

Loudly.

I started laughing so hard too, when I noticed how weird some people could be. But when I asked my friends to leave, they refused. It was impossible to move anywhere without being rude to those girls who were busy crying over the scene.

I was praying that the end of the movie would come.

Really, I barely ever prayed for any movie to end, but Twilight had had enough of my wasted years watching it.

If only Twilight was just about Jacob going around shirtless, I would gladly, voluntarily, willingly devote all the time in the world watching and re-watching it. Perhaps I would start reading the books too.

Well, Twilight, it was nice knowing you.

I would never read your books since the first one already burned my brains. But I had great time. And Breaking Dawn Part 2 was amazing.

I broke down during the movie due to how bad it was. But I had the best laugh. I had so much fun. It took me on this crazy roller coaster. Insane.

Madness. Pure. Goodness.

It was so bad it was good.

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