The Quest of Beauty

by Devina Gunawan

Every woman wants to feel, and be beautiful. It matters not whether the man she loves finds her beautiful or not, she simply wants to believe it herself. A simple matter, a lie she needs to hear, that she is indeed, a beautiful creature.

I have thought it ridiculous, that such thing of self appraisal should exist. However, living in a big city has slapped me with the cold, merciless truth. I wish I were beautiful.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe that every woman is beautiful in her own ways. But this world works differently. It separates, classifies, and divides. There are the inevitably beautiful, there are the condemned ugly, and there are ones who can be both, depending on how they dress themselves. And every place has its own standards.

You can be beautiful today and ugly tomorrow. That’s how terrifying the consistency of your self worth is.

But wherever you are, you will eventually want to feel beautiful. You will find ways to adapt, dress the way others appreciate best and polish yourself to the acceptable view of others.

Sadly, I have never found it in myself to do so. I am no barbie doll slim, I have pale complexion that is accompanied by dark eyes, and I proudly wear my well known troll hair. I can’t figure out the application of makeup, and when I believe I do… “You look like someone just punched you…” Is the first thing I hear from the girls.

I dress comfortably, and very old fashioned. Besides, I can’t really fit in the dresses I like on display, designed for super models. That being said, I simply give up.

So I get by everyday looking like a troll. And a lot of times, I don’t mind.

But in this world so invested in, ruled by beauty, how could I not mind?

I spotted a beautiful dress on sale, which I wanted so badly to try on. Then, a girl snatched it before I could get to it, while eyeing me from head to toe.

She was well dressed. Hair straightened, perfectly done eyebrows, bright makeup, and well… The dress would fit her skinny frame better.

I let it slip. But I know that people talk. And I think I can almost hear them talk about the pale, troll haired girl walking around in her ancient dress. Maybe it’s just in my head, but I know it’s my deep desire to be like the others. So well dressed, so skinny, and so beautiful.

And it hurts. The ugly truth that will never set you free, that you’re just as weak as you call yourself strong.

But what’s in beauty for you?

I wonder if there’s ever enough for any girl. Just as how ugly I feel standing next to them, they must, at some point feel ugly standing to more attractive women.

And what comes after? More makeup? Prettier dresses? Higher heels? Shinier hair?

When will it ever stop?

Given everything they have done for beauty, what has beauty given them? Because when there’s division, when there’s comparison, what is it in beauty? Outer beauty, to be exact. A pretty shell with a lot of judgment.

Has anyone ever looked her best and had no, not even one second, thoughts of comparison in her head? Not even one second thinking, “I wish I had that girl’s eyebrows,” “I wish I could wear that dress like she does,” or “I will have to fix my nose after this…” But just be content, happy with what she has? Completely happy?

And feel beautiful? In her own ways?

No. She will eventually seek out ways to be a recognized beauty. Because every woman wants to feel beautiful.

She will ignore the fact that beauty depends on the eye of its beholder. That we can never be beautiful unless we love ourselves and believe it. When you love something, it will always be beautiful, the same way love works on people.

Love yourself, and you will be beautiful to you. And isn’t it what truly matters in the end? A little dash of self worth to complete the meal?

Sadly… secretly, a lot of women are evil queens in their many Snow White tales. They don’t go around saying, “I’m beautiful,” but ask, “Who is the fairest of them all?” And they will try, helplessly, to be the fairest, only to later discover the simple, clean fact that the only way to be the fairest, is to truly love themselves for who and what they are.

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